Eulogy Etiquette

What do we say when asked to speak at a loved one's funeral or memorial service? 

It happens every now and then, that in the death of a friend or family member we are asked to speak on their behalf during the service to mark their passing.  This can be a great honor, an opportunity to give comfort to the bereaved and a chance to lift up the best qualities of someone we really cared about.

Or such a request can be perceived as an overwhelming moment of vulnerability and pain.   In the middle of our own grief, we are asked to endure a public speaking moment which, for most, is uncomfortable and for many, terrifying.

Think long and hard about saying 'yes' to such a request.   If it would take away from your own grieving experience and the significant moment of community support and celebration of life that funerals and memorials services can bring…don't do it.  This is especially true for the spouses and children of the dead.  It is not written anywhere that you have to speak at your loved one's funeral.  There are no rules requiring such a moment.  If you feel compelled to greet and thank all those gathered, or share your thoughts about your loved one, write it out and have someone else read your words during the service.   If the thought and pressure of speaking at that moment fills you with dread, be gentle with yourself, you are already going through enough having lost one of the most important people in your life.

If it does feel right for you to speak at a loved one's service here are some suggestions that might help from one who is in this situation with some regularity.

-Giving an effective eulogy doesn't require a PhD or toastmasters training.  It is your life experience and generous heart that qualifies you to speak in such a moment.  As you begin your remarks, don't spend anytime apologizing for your lack of public speaking experience.

-Speak more about the deceased than yourself.  It's easy to get lost in your own reflections at such a moment but it’s about them, not about you.   Focus on the deceased's history, character and beliefs, not your own.   The general rule is with the use of the first-person pronoun.   If "I"' is used more than the name of the deceased, you've forgotten why you are there!

-Emotion is absolutely ok to share.  If you find yourself overwhelmed at any moment, don't hesitate to stop, take a drink of water, blow your nose, whatever it takes to breathe and calm down.  Everyone there is pulling for you and probably sharing those same feelings.  Laughter, tears and even anger if it is genuine and points to the loss of your friend/family member is absolutely appropriate.   But never if it is meant to illustrate your eloquence.

-Don't say anything about your friend/family member that you wouldn't say if he/she were standing by your side.  A eulogy is not the time tell the person's secrets.

-Remember this variation of the KISS Principle; "Keep It Simple and Short"   The significance of a life will never be summed up in such a moment.  We can only point to it.  In the reception or days that follow such a service, friends and family will continue the sharing of memories and stories.  It doesn't all have to be said in your allotted time.  No one remembers a word of Edward Everett's two hour speech at Gettysburg in 1863 and no one will ever forget President Abraham Lincoln's Address that followed and lasted only two minutes.

At the time of the death of a significant person in our lives we need a chance to say 'good-bye'.   To do so in the company of family and friends can be a powerful experience of healing and hope.   Whether that happens at a religious site, a public hall, in a park or at the beach doesn't matter so much as the sincere good will we bring to that moment.

For those asked to speak on behalf of the dead and choose to do so, we are given an opportunity to share a profound moment of love.   It is an honor to be sure and it can be a blessing for our own journey of grief.