Paul T

My brother Paul 'came out' to Bonnie and me as a gay man ten years before he could tell my parents.   He brought a friend along for moral support not sure how we would react.  The culture shift in sexual orientation understanding was just starting back in 1974.   It was risky to be that honest with others when it turned out you were one of the despised.  It still is.

Bonnie and I embraced Paul with open arms.  We pledged to keep his confidence until he was ready to tell our parents, which he did in part because of Paul T.

Paul Thurston and Paul B. met and fell in love.  Paul T. was a young lawyer from Michigan, son of a United Methodist Minister.  One of the early leaders of the Castro Gay Film Festival the passion for movies was one of the things that brought them together. They made a commitment to each other to live in the same household.  They bought a property together.  They were starting their own family and Paul B. wanted our parents to know.

My Mom and Dad embraced them both with open arms.  Mom cried regretting that Paul B. had no plans to be a parent.  He was fabulous with children and my Mom loved being a grandmother.   But those tears were tempered by her unequivocal love for Paul T. and the happiness he brought her son.

Over the years Paul B. and Paul T.'s relationship evolved into a deep and lasting bond which was no longer romantic.  When they ended that part of their life they choose to remain in the same household, sharing the same property, really sharing the same life, even as they brought new loving, committed partners into the mix.  

Paul B. and BJ have been together now as a couple for more than 15 years.  They have lived downstairs.  Paul T. has lived upstairs.  For all purposes they are family.   And that family is a treasured part of the Bollwinkel Clan.  They have visited my parents and sister in Sacramento regularly for years and years.  They come to all of the family gatherings, holidays, graduations and vacations.   We go to the Giants together whenever we get the chance.

Paul T. died of complications to Parkinson's Disease yesterday at 4:20pm.  Paul B.,  Nora and Rick (two of Paul T’s best friends), his brother Larry and Chief, Paul T.'s service dog, were there with him by the hospital bed, just as they had been with him throughout his seven year journey with the disease.  Paul T.'s quirky and brilliant sense of humor, his generosity and his commitment to our family will always be with me.

There will be a day when human beings will couple and part, set up families and build lives together with no fear of or regard to gender orientation.  Tragically that day isn't now.   But when it comes it will be because of people like Paul T. and those who loved him.