Paul T

My brother Paul 'came out' to Bonnie and me as a gay man ten years before he could tell my parents.   He brought a friend along for moral support not sure how we would react.  The culture shift in sexual orientation understanding was just starting back in 1974.   It was risky to be that honest with others when it turned out you were one of the despised.  It still is.

Bonnie and I embraced Paul with open arms.  We pledged to keep his confidence until he was ready to tell our parents, which he did in part because of Paul T.

Paul Thurston and Paul B. met and fell in love.  Paul T. was a young lawyer from Michigan, son of a United Methodist Minister.  One of the early leaders of the Castro Gay Film Festival the passion for movies was one of the things that brought them together. They made a commitment to each other to live in the same household.  They bought a property together.  They were starting their own family and Paul B. wanted our parents to know.

My Mom and Dad embraced them both with open arms.  Mom cried regretting that Paul B. had no plans to be a parent.  He was fabulous with children and my Mom loved being a grandmother.   But those tears were tempered by her unequivocal love for Paul T. and the happiness he brought her son.

Over the years Paul B. and Paul T.'s relationship evolved into a deep and lasting bond which was no longer romantic.  When they ended that part of their life they choose to remain in the same household, sharing the same property, really sharing the same life, even as they brought new loving, committed partners into the mix.  

Paul B. and BJ have been together now as a couple for more than 15 years.  They have lived downstairs.  Paul T. has lived upstairs.  For all purposes they are family.   And that family is a treasured part of the Bollwinkel Clan.  They have visited my parents and sister in Sacramento regularly for years and years.  They come to all of the family gatherings, holidays, graduations and vacations.   We go to the Giants together whenever we get the chance.

Paul T. died of complications to Parkinson's Disease yesterday at 4:20pm.  Paul B.,  Nora and Rick (two of Paul T’s best friends), his brother Larry and Chief, Paul T.'s service dog, were there with him by the hospital bed, just as they had been with him throughout his seven year journey with the disease.  Paul T.'s quirky and brilliant sense of humor, his generosity and his commitment to our family will always be with me.

There will be a day when human beings will couple and part, set up families and build lives together with no fear of or regard to gender orientation.  Tragically that day isn't now.   But when it comes it will be because of people like Paul T. and those who loved him.  

The Power of Music

            Could it be possible?!   Was it some kind of mistake?!

            They were playing "Louie Louie" by the Kingsmen (1963) over the Muzak background at Target?!  

            Only pop music historians and Baby Boomers can truly appreciate the shock.

            The Kingsmen's remake of Richard Perry and the Pharaoh's 1957 Rock n Roll record was a scandal at the time.   The Kingsmen mumbled the lyrics so poorly that listeners came up with all sorts of lurid interpretations.  The FBI investigated it for non-existent obscenities in1964.   When my six grade class mate snuck the "Louie Louie" 45 (...a small vinyl record with one song on each side...) into school and put it on the record player while the teacher was out for recess, we were thrilled.  We were risking detention, at least.   Who knows what our parents would have done if they found out.   It was forbidden.  It was subversive.

            No wonder the 1960's generation would protest social convention.

            Now Target is playing it as background music?!

            Here I am now pushing 60, shopping for the best priced pain reliever for the arthritis in my hands, in the safe expectations of a contemporary retail environment, and I am confronted once again with the power of music.

            It happens to me every Sunday in worship.  As a Protestant pastor I am used to the tears that come to my eyes and others' as we sing such wonderful old hymns as "How Great Thou Art" (Boberg, 1885) or "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" (Chisholm/Runyon, 1923)

            Some sacred music has found acceptance into the increasingly secular domain.  We sing "God Bless America" (Irvin Berlin, 1918) during the seventh inning stretch at a baseball game.   "Amazing Grace" (John Newton, 1773) has been recorded so many times and in so many ways it’s almost a 'civil religion' anthem.  We may not know the source of grace but we love to claim it.

“Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come; Tis grace that brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.”

            It can be Beethoven or Brahms, Katy Perry or Madonna, The Back Street Boys or the Oakridge Boys, bluegrass, rap, hip hop or barbershop but for each of us, in a variety of settings, some kind of music transcends and inspires.

            For us in the high tech, highly educated Silicon Valley, this is especially true.  We who live in our heads put our faith in what we can measure and weigh.   We struggle to access emotion or to accept mystery.  It is no accident that Apple, Google and Cisco have employee choirs, bands and other musical groups.  It is no coincidence that there is enough interest that community chorales and orchestras don't have to take just anybody but can audition their volunteers.

            We the academic and engineering find music a safe place to feel something; something deep inside, something that somehow transcends the moment and our limitations.

            Theologian John Cobb once wrote of music as a metaphor for the reality of God (Praying for Jennifer, Upper Room, 1985).  You enter a room to hear music from a source you can't see or control, and yet this invisible force, permeating all parts of the space can move you to tears, distraction or the quest to find the source even if only to turn it off or turn it up.

            My spouse, a medical social worker in the field of Alzheimer's disease, can testify to the power of music especially for those with dementia.  It would seem those parts of the brain that access music are some of the last to go.  Hospitals, clinics and nursing homes that offer generationally appropriate music for their patients have much higher success rates in caring for the needs of those individuals.   Mother or father, grandmother or grandfather may not be able to recognize you but somehow they can sing all the verses to "In the Garden" (Charles Miles, 1913).

            "Louie Louie" in Target is a direct confrontation with my aging, to be sure.  But it also is a graphic reminder of the power of music.   The moment brought back memories of innocent days, the sweep of change in a lifetime and the blessings of having made it "safe thus far".